Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005
Somehow this entry became really depressing
I had a lonely 4th of July this year. I didn�t expect that I would be spending it alone, again, but that�s what happened.
Regardless, I had a really good day that started off with some great left over pizza. Then, the all day �Twilight Zone� marathon started. There�s nothing I love better than that show and I look forward to the marathons on every holiday. I�ve seen almost every episode and I love watching them over and over again. I think what I love most about the show is that there is always some crazy twist of fate or dramatic irony at the end that makes for good story telling.
So I sat on my couch all day and watched the �Twilight Zone.� All day. Okay, I�m not that much of a loser. I took a 2 hour break to go watch the bed races. This is an annual 4th of July event where several local Grove businesses, mostly the bars, design and build some sort of bed on wheels that can fit one person and must be pushed by four people, one at each corner. They race in 2 lanes on a straight-way for 100 meters. It was neat to look at the different designs and see what worked and what didn�t. It seemed the smaller and lighter the bed was, the easier it was to push, which makes sense. And the best part: my bar won. They did cheat a bit though. All the other entries used their own employees to push the beds. My bar used one of it�s employees and 3 rickshaw drivers, who have an obvious advantage since that is what they do for a living. Anyway, I enjoyed myself cheering for my bar, even if it was probably about 99 degrees out there and humid as fuck.
While I was at the bed races, I ran into Zane. He was standing there watching me for a while before I saw him. I waved at him and he waved back, then in true Zane form, he proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the afternoon. He was looking good though. And he was out skate boarding with his adorable 5-year old. It was cute. Then I started wondering what my life would have been like if we had become a couple. But I knew that would never happen. He is one of the most self-absorbed people I have ever met. He wants what he wants when he wants it and fuck anyone else if they should think different. Plus, he always made me feel like shit. He never said anything mean to me and he never hurt me in anyway, but he always made me feel like I was nothing more than his whore. Like I wasn�t worth his time for anything else. And I didn�t want that. I wanted to feel like he wanted all of me. And even when he said that I was �his love� I didn�t believe it because his actions never came across that way. But if that had been different, I still don�t think that I could be with him simply because I don�t trust him. He cheats and I would be foolish to believe that he would be different with me. And what the hell would I look like raising a 5-year old. I still haven�t even finished raising myself.
I guess everyone always has those �what if�s. What if I had done this? Or, what if that had happened instead? I know I always do it. Probably because me life never seems to turn out they way it�s supposed to. People who were supposed to be friends for life are now enemies. And things that are supposed to be working out just aren�t going right. For instance, right now I�m supposed to be so happy and I�m not. I�m on the borderline of being miserable because I�m confused about my current situation. It�s sad to admit that nothing ever works out right for me. And after years of thinking that it�s other people, I have to start making the conclusion that everyone else in the world can�t be at fault. It must be something that I�m doing. Or not doing. And it�s hard to try to look inside yourself to figure out what is wrong.
I�ve never told anyone this, but I�ve always had the feeling, even at a young age, that I didn�t belong here. And when I say here, I mean in this life. I know that when my grandmother found out my mom was pregnant with me (at 16), she made arrangements for an abortion without my mother�s knowledge. And the only reason I�m here today is that my mom asked the doctor what all the extra equipment was for since she was just having a check up and the doctor told her that he thought she knew what was going on. And here comes another what if. What if my mom was supposed to have the procedure and I was never to be? I know it�s a bit morbid, but what if.
I swear that I have had conversations with people where it was like they hadn�t heard a thing I had said or hadn�t seen me standing there, like the Buffy episode with the invisible girl. And I always would wonder if they are ignoring me or what. Or there would be times when I wouldn�t have human contact for days. People would just forget about me.
Oh, I don�t know. I don�t feel like talking about this anymore. It�s just making me depressed, making me think too much. And the weird thing is I haven�t thought about any of this in a long time. And I don�t want to think about it now.
summerroll at 7:57 a.m.