Saturday, Dec. 24, 2005
Caution: Depressing Shit Ahead
This time of year always leaves me in a bad state. Even when things are going okay, the depression always seems to sneak up right around the 21st. Every time, without fail.
Today was a preview for tomorrow. It was a lonely day. I spent it exercising, paying bills, and cleaning. Tomorrow will be another one, minus the cleaning and bills. I’ll probably wake up, go running, then open the gifts that my mom shipped down to me since I wouldn’t be with them.
I feel so alone right now. But the weird thing is that even when I am around people for the Holidays, I still feel alone. Like I don’t belong. I’ve always felt throughout my life that I don’t fit, that maybe I was put in the wrong place, time, parallel universe.
For the past 2 hours, I have been on the verge of tears for no reason. I’m sick of feeling like this, like shit. I feel like my life has absolutely no direction. My job sucks, my love life sucks, most of my “friends” suck. Everyday there’s always some other bullshit going down that I just don’t want to deal with. And I’m always annoyed with someone.
A couple of my kids felt sorry for me that I was spending the Holidays alone. One keeps telling me to go out and have fun and the other one invited me to her family’s Christmas Eve Dinner. I lied to both of them and told them that I was going out to dinner with some friends. They don’t need to know how truly pathetic I really am. Plus, I would have felt like I was imposing if I showed up to this girl’s house to hang out with her family, who I’ve never met, besides her mother who I just met for the first time a week ago. Besides all that, I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. I’ve been doing that myself so I don’t think there is room for other people’s sorries.
And then there are the guys. Although Gus and I have spoken at least once a week every week since Thanksgiving, I still don’t know where we stand. And I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to not care.
And the B saga continues. After the movie night , I assumed things were fine. I knew that the following week would be rough in regards to work, and I was looking forward to going to B’s birthday party with Al and a couple other friends to unwind. Since I didn’t know exactly where the party was and what the requirement/rules were, I was waiting for the official invitation, or evite, before I made plans. On Wednesday, Nande asks me if I was going. I told her I was thinking about it but waiting for the invitation. She informed me that the evites were sent out the day before and she’s sure that I got one. I checked all my email addresses and sure enough, there was no evite awaiting me. I laugh and tell Nande that I think I’ve been uninvited.
I send B this email: “So, am I no longer invited to your birthday party?” Send. The rest of Wednesday goes by. Thursday goes by. Friday goes by. And he never responded.
What a prick. After that, I’m just like forget him. So because I didn’t want to drop my panties for him, he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore? Fuck that shit. I don’t need to deal with that shit. It’s bullshit!
And you know what’s funny? This past Thursday, he IMed me. It went something like this:
B: Hey
Me: Hi.
B: How are you?
Me: Good.
B: Cool, Cool.
Me: Sign Off
No mention about the party or my email. And I wasn’t gonna ask. Part of me just couldn’t even believe he had the nerve. Some people.
On that note, congrats to you if you managed to read through all this depressing shit on this, the holiest of nights. :-D I’d also like to wish my 5 or so readers out there a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, or whatever it is you celebrate. Hope it’s better than mine.
summerroll at 10:42 p.m.