Sunday, Jun. 12, 2005
Weird Dreams and Mean Kids
I�m finally back from the field trip. It was so nice to sleep in my own bed last night, under the comforter that I have used for the past 5 years.
Tomorrow, I start my Monday thru Friday work schedules. Actually, it�ll be Monday thru Sunday with my part-time job, but I don�t really mind. I could use the extra money in my pocket.
Here�s what I wrote while on the trip. Most of it is about Gus, because I didn�t have that much interesting stuff about myself to talk about.
Monday, June 6, 2005
Last night, I had a sex dream. About Al. It was really weird. I�m not attracted to him in the least. But the dream was a little intense. We met up at a bar, like we usually do on Saturday nights. A couple of his friends were there. I ended up sitting next to him and he grabbed my hand under the table. We were both rubbing each other�s hands with our thumbs. For some reason, it felt like it was something we did all the time. There was one point in the dream where I looked down and realized we were holding hands and it felt strange, but only for a moment. After some drinking and talking, we got up from the table and walked to the bathrooms. Next thing I know, the two of us are in the stalls going at it. We�re kissing furiously, and he slams me into the wall, and clothes start being pulled/ripped off. Right before penetration, I stopped and said breathlessly, �we can�t do this. This is wrong.� Then I woke up.
Like I said, I�m not attracted to Al and never have been. So it was strange that I would even have a dream like that. I think what happened was that right before I went to bed, I was thinking about having male friends and how at least one of them always ends up having a crush on me. That makes me uncomfortable because then I have to watch myself to make sure that I�m not sending any false signals out. But Al has never been one of those guys. I know he�s not interested in me, so when we hang out, we have a great time cause we�re nothing but friends and we can talk about hook ups and sex and other stuff without feeling awkward or uncomfortable. So I don�t know what that dream is supposed to mean.
I�m happy with Gus and we�re on our 4th month (11 months since we first �discovered� each other). That�s his longest relationship (he never made it past 2 months with other girls) and it�s definitely my longest (or first real) relationship.
On the topic of Gus:
I think I mentioned before that he got a new puppy. It�s a 3-month old schnauzer (sp?) and he�s so adorable. Except for the fact that he likes to chew on my fingers and lick lotion off my legs.
This is Gus� second schnauzer. His first died this past January, the day after my birthday. He was about 9 years old and Gus had him since he was born. I always called him Gus� First Love. He bought that dog the best of everything and wouldn�t do anything until he considered him first. He talked to him in baby talk and slept with him every night. He would even leave the doggie on the bed when we were having sex. But, the doggie had stomach cancer or something, and they operated on him but he wasn�t recovering and had to be put to sleep a week later. Gus was devastated.
Actually, that�s how Gus and I ended up talking again on a regular basis. Prior to that, we spoke maybe once a month. Somehow I found out about his doggie, and I called him to make sure that everything was okay. He told me about the cancer and the surgery. Then I called back a week and a half later to see how the doggie was doing after the surgery, but he was already gone.
And Gus didn�t even want another dog because he felt it would betray the memory of his doggie. But, about 3 weeks ago, on of his students had a litter of schnauzers, and gave him one as a surprise. I don�t think he�s even told many people that he has a new puppy. He told his best friends first because they live next door and are always over to his house. And he told me about a week later. But he hasn�t said anything to anyone in his family or even to some of his other friends. I think he feels a little weird having a new puppy so close to the death of the first one. But he�s doing fine and so is the puppy.
In other news, Gus went on his first paramedic ride along with the fire department on Saturday. He sounded so excited when he was telling me all about it. I thought it was cute. Especially since he was scared before he went. He kept thinking that he might get put in a life-or-death situation and he would be so unskilled or forget everything that he�d learned and cause the patient to die. But I think the most extreme case they had was a guy with a broken arm.
Now that Gus has to do these ride-alongs, we�ll hardly have time to see each other. It sucks that when I finally get Saturday�s off (for a limited time only) he has to work 12-hour shifts shadowing paramedics. Plus, for the month of June, he doing it 3 times a week: Saturdays, Mondays, and Wednesdays. And Tuesdays and Thursdays he has his EMT class from 5pm to 9pm. So the only days we might be able to see one another are Friday nights or Sundays. But with his early shift Saturday morning, he won�t want to do anything Friday night. We�re down to one day.
Since I practically won�t be seeing Gus at all, I decided that my part time work schedule would be Saturday and Sunday mornings for 4-6 hours, and Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights (5pm-8pm). It�s going to be a little rough, especially since it will take me anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours to get to that job. Now I really appreciate living 5 miles from the Museum. Driving, drivers and traffic in Miami suck major ass.
Thursday, June 9, 2005
It�s hard to see someone change for the worse.
Right now I�m on a week-long field trip with 8 of our kids and one other chaperone. We go to two colleges in Florida, stay in the dorms, and speak to professors, admissions officers, and college students to get a sense of what it is like to be in college.
One of my students, Thomas, has always been one of my favorites. He�s a very sweet, smart, and extremely funny kid. He was voted as �Most Unique� this year by our other students. He�s always been very honest and open with me: he pretty much tells me everything, things that the other kids would never say, and he actually calls me at home on a regular basis to get advice (mostly on girls) or just to talk. We basically have a big sister, little brother relationship. I�m young enough that he can trust me with certain things, but old enough that he will listen to what I have to say.
On this trip, he�s started hanging out with a couple of other boys. They�re alright kids, but they�re also very mean-spirited and tend not to give a damn about anything. So guess who Thomas is emulating. In the past 3 days, I have heard him say some of the rudest, meanest, most disrespectful things that I never thought could exit his mouth. And every time, I�ve said to him and to the other guys (who I expect it from, but know that they won�t change) that they don�t need to be so negative or purposefully hurtful to people just to get a good laugh or to make themselves look good. Tonight, I thought they crossed the line when Thomas said to one of our poorer girls that she should have won �Best Dressed� because she�s always rocking the free T-shirts and wearing some of the same clothes over again in the same week. I almost slapped him.
How dare he say something like that? He�s not much better off than that girl. There are some things that you joke about and some things that you just don�t touch. And of course those other idiots thought it was the funniest thing ever and continued on with the joke. The little fuckers. And they�re old enough to know better.
It just made me very disappointed with Thomas. He, as well as all of them, is at the stage now where he will decide on the type of person he will be. It sucks that so many kids think they have to put others down so that they can either feel better or look good in the eyes of others. When I was their age, a high school senior, I wasn�t the nicest person. There were many people that I didn�t like and I told them so so that they would know to leave me alone. But I never purposely attempted to hurt people�s feelings or to embarrass them, because I sure as hell didn�t like it when people did it to me. I thought for sure that Thomas, with a little guidance from me, would choose the right path, but he�s slowly slipping over to the dark side.
I had another weird dream last night. I walked into my office at the Museum and there was a little girl sitting at the desk of my coworker, Jay-W. I questioned to myself why the little girl was there, but since she was at Jay-W�s desk, I really didn�t care much. I went on to my desk on the other side of the office and started working. A couple hours later, this Greek guy came in. Don�t ask me why I knew he was Greek or that his last name was Stephenopolous. And, he was the little girl�s dad. He was looking for Al because Al let him borrow a key to some workshop. I knew that Al was at the Museum because his stuff was in my office, but it wasn�t there when I sat down and I didn�t know when he came in and dropped it off. I told Mr. Stephenopolous that I didn�t know where Al was and that he could leave the key with me, which he agreed to do. At that time, Jay-W had returned and kicked his daughter out of her chair. He grabbed his daughter to leave, and as they walked to the door, she suddenly stopped and turned to me all eerie like (think the little girl from USA�s 4400 � a really creepy series about Alien abductions) and said, �they know.� And I was like, �Who�s �they�? And they know what?� And all she said was, �Gus,� then they left. I just stood there really confused.
Then I woke up really confused. I always have odd dreams when I don�t sleep in my own bed. Usually, when I dream, I barely remember any of it. And I hardly dream at all. So it�s not only weird that I actually remember all of the dreams, but that I actually had 2 in the space of 3 days.
At least I think I can interpret this one. Somewhat. Gus and I met through the Museum. Actually, I was one of his supervisors. Last summer, when all this began, we never did anything during work hours, but we would always meet up after work or on the weekends. During work, we would talk and interact and stuff, but we didn�t do anything different from before we started hooking up. I made sure of that. There were sometimes when we were alone for a brief moment and he would kiss me on the neck quickly, but that was it. I think I was deathly afraid that someone, one of the higher ups or Jay-W, would find out and the shit would hit the fan. But they never noticed anything, even though sometimes after work we would get a bit careless.
Anyway, when we truly started dating earlier this year, I still didn�t mention it to anyone at my job. That was partly because 1. I hate most of the people at my job and would NEVER tell them anything about my personal life and 2. Gus was initially planning on working for us this summer again (that is before the summer break for some high schools in Miami got shortened to a measly 5 weeks). Even now, when I know that he won�t ever come back to the Museum, I still won�t tell even the people I do trust at my job. I think the only one that knows is Al and that�s cause we hang out outside of work all the time. Plus, if he ever rats me out, I have a ton of shit on him thanks to him becoming super-talkative and telling all his business when he gets drunk. I don�t even think he knows some of the shit he�s told me. Too bad for him.
summerroll at 8:39 a.m.