Saturday, Jul. 02, 2005
Deep Blue
I found out that the lease at my current place is up on August 31st. That gives me a onth to figure out what I'm doing in regards to buying a place. One realtor keeps trying to push me to buy an extremely small place (300 sq feet) for a whole lotta money. And I am not having it. If I'm dropping (or borrowing) $160K, my place better be spacious and nice. I'm still waiting to hear back on another unit in this same building, a larger unit. This building is a condo conversion, so the previous tenants have the opportunity to purchase first if they want. The tenant in the unit I'm waiting on has not responded yet, and they can't do anything until the deadline they gave has passed. So I'm waiting patiently, and still looking at other places just in case.
I was so depressed for most of the morning yesterday. I somehow got it in my head that Gus doens't want me anymore and that he's bored with me and wants to move on. I haven't spoken to him in almost 2 weeks, and the girlie, insecure part of my brain is saying, "well if he wanted to talk to you he would have called", while the rational side of my brain is saying, "he's probably just really busy and you know that he's been stressed out for the past month so cut him some slack."
Well, the insecure part won out and I was struggling not to break into tears while sitting next to my kids on the school bus that was taking us to Pennekamp State Park to go snorkeling for the day. Some of my kids are so sweet. They were asking me if I was ok or if it was something they did. I just told them that I was really tired, which was partly true.
Once I got on the boat, I felt so much better. The ocean and fresh ocean breeze has always been my way to relax and escape. I could never not live near the ocean. When I was depressed all the time as a kid, I would sit out on the porch and just stare into the big, vast blue-greeness and just take huge, deep breaths of salty air. And ten minutes of that would completely calm my thoughts. The same thing happened yesterday. I felt tons better after the trip.
My insecure and rational sides keep fighting about this Gus situation. I just told myself that I'm not going to think about it too hard. When he is able to call me, or if he wants to call me, he will. I can't force him to. I, however, won't call him again for the rest of the week, at least. I called twice and left 2 messages, and anymore in the space of week would be considered stalking. So I'll leave it up to him for now. If I still ahven't heard from him by, say next Thursday, then I'll try again. And if still nothing, then I'll know that it's because he really doesn't want to talk to me.
I almost sliced my thumb off the other day. OK, I'm exaggerating; I just made an extremely deep cut with on of my scissor blades. I was holding the scissors, open, in my hand, trying to use one of the blades to pry open a package. I had the blade pointed towards my chest; my left hand was grasping the package and I was holding it agains t my chest, putting my thumb in prime position to get injured if the scissors should slip. I saw this and said to myself that I was going to injure myself and that I should reposition everything. And then I was like "oh mothing will happen" and continued doing what I was doing. Less than 20 seconds later, my thumb was bleeding profusely 10 minutes and wouldn't stop throbbing for about 30 minutes.
This sort of thing happens to me all the time. I serioously have a different injury every couple weeks. Once one heals, I get another one to take it's place.
My thumb is better now but the wound still has not closed all the way yet. I think spending an hour in salt water helped disinfect it. I've been squeezing on it through out the day because I like how it feels. It's like a light pain. A good pain. It doesn't hurt, but it feels somewhat pleasurable. Kinda like sex. When sex becomes real painful, it's not enjoyable. You have to have that balance of good pain.
I love that I've connected my injured thumb to sex. You can tell I haven't gotten any in a while.
OK, now this is the strangest thing I have read in a while. I know that some people are really into some extrememly kinky shit, but this is fucking ridiculous and I hope it's just someone bullshitting.
summerroll at 12:00 p.m.