Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2005
Zip, Pop, Zoom
I am awesome tonight. So far, I have blown through 20 photos, and I'll probably have 20 more completed by the time I leave here tonight. That's damn good considering I only did 20 in the 5 hours I was here last night. But then again, I last night, my eyes were watering so bad (dirty/dry contacts) and I was falling asleep with every mouse click.
When I got home last night, I managed to watch the premier of L@guna Beach. Damn is that show a trainwreck, but damn, how I can't not watch. Those kids are either really pathetic or really dumb, or some combination of the 2. I can't even sympathize with any of them (well, except for the fat girl, cause she's not really fat, but compared to all the other girls who already look like trophy wives at the age of 17 [not necessarily a good thing because they look like they could be in their 30s, but if they were in their 30s they would look damn good for their age, if that makes sense], she looks a lot bigger than she really is, and I feel bad for her). They're all rich, spoiled brats, who get to have camera's follow them around for no reason and dumb American teens worship them. Yet, I will probably watch ever goddamn episode.
After the trainwreck passed by, I managed to heat up pizza rolls. How the pizza rolls got eaten and the dirty dishes placed in the sink and the lights in my apt turned off and my a/c turned on and the cell phone plugged in and myself in bed is beyond me. I vaguely remember eating the first pizza roll. But my belly was full when I woke up this morning, so I must have eaten every last one. I guess I was in one of those states where I was half conscious half asleep, albeit more on the sleep side of things, because I just don't remember. I think my body is starting to shut down on me. Imagine if I was actually working out on top of all the other crap I've been doing. I would a zombie.
I'm glad this is the last week of our summer program, although I'm not too sure how I'm going to work in Job #2 during the week. What was great about the summer program is that it allowed me to come in at or before 7:30, which meant I could leave by 3:30. This gave me enough time, traffic wise, to get to Job #2 which is about 25 miles away. If I leave anytime after 3:45, it takes me about an hour and a half, maybe even two, to drive here, as opposed to the 45 minutes it takes me when I leave before then. Traffic here is a bitch. Once the summer program is done, I'll probably ahve to switch back to my 9 to 5 schedule, which means I won't be getting here until afte 6:30, which means less hours. But I guess the times will all work out once I get my Mondays off again.
In other news, I spoke to a loan specialist today and secured my loan for the condo I'm going to buy. The wheels are spinning and everything is slowly starting to fall into place. My only worry is that the closing might get delayed. If it is, I'll be screwed. We set the closing for August 15th, but I leave for South America on the 16th. When I booked this trip in February, I had no clue that I would even be considering house hunting at this point, much less ready to close on one.
Life is just flying by.
The past couple days, I've just felt so alone. Not so much alone, but more lonely. I don't know why. I guess I feel like people just aren't calling like they used to, even just to say "hi, what have you been up to?" And when I call people, they don't pick up and they don't return the call. It makes me feel like I did something wrong or that maybe they're just not interested anymore.
Maybe it's just that everyone but me is so busy and overwhelmed by everything that's going on in their lives. I visualize one of those videos where one person is standing still but everything else in the frame is sped up and just zipping right on by without noticing that one person going at the regular speed (or slower, depending on the perspective).
But, then I think, I have 2 jobs, I work 12-14 hours a day, plus weekends, I barely have time for myself, yet somehow I manage to make time for others. Here I am again putting in all the effort while no one else is willing to do the same for me. And as soon as I stop calling or stop putting in the effort, then all of a sudden I'm the one that's isolating herself.
Sometimes I just don't even want to deal with this shit. Sometimes its easier to walk around with a black cloud overhead because it keeps everyone else away. I think I'm a little confused as to whether I want to be alone or not. I guess I'd rather be lonely while I figure it out.
summerroll at 8:04 p.m.