Saturday, Dec. 24, 2005
Caution: Depressing Shit Ahead
This time of year always leaves me in a bad state. Even when things are going okay, the depression always seems to sneak up right around the 21st. Every time, without fail.
Today was a preview for tomorrow. It was a lonely day. I spent it exercising, paying bills, and cleaning. Tomorrow will be another one, minus the cleaning and bills. I�ll probably wake up, go running, then open the gifts that my mom shipped down to me since I wouldn�t be with them.
I feel so alone right now. But the weird thing is that even when I am around people for the Holidays, I still feel alone. Like I don�t belong. I�ve always felt throughout my life that I don�t fit, that maybe I was put in the wrong place, time, parallel universe.
For the past 2 hours, I have been on the verge of tears for no reason. I�m sick of feeling like this, like shit. I feel like my life has absolutely no direction. My job sucks, my love life sucks, most of my �friends� suck. Everyday there�s always some other bullshit going down that I just don�t want to deal with. And I�m always annoyed with someone.
A couple of my kids felt sorry for me that I was spending the Holidays alone. One keeps telling me to go out and have fun and the other one invited me to her family�s Christmas Eve Dinner. I lied to both of them and told them that I was going out to dinner with some friends. They don�t need to know how truly pathetic I really am. Plus, I would have felt like I was imposing if I showed up to this girl�s house to hang out with her family, who I�ve never met, besides her mother who I just met for the first time a week ago. Besides all that, I don�t want them feeling sorry for me. I�ve been doing that myself so I don�t think there is room for other people�s sorries.
And then there are the guys. Although Gus and I have spoken at least once a week every week since Thanksgiving, I still don�t know where we stand. And I�m tired of trying to figure it out. I�m getting to the point where I�m starting to not care.
And the B saga continues. After the movie night , I assumed things were fine. I knew that the following week would be rough in regards to work, and I was looking forward to going to B�s birthday party with Al and a couple other friends to unwind. Since I didn�t know exactly where the party was and what the requirement/rules were, I was waiting for the official invitation, or evite, before I made plans. On Wednesday, Nande asks me if I was going. I told her I was thinking about it but waiting for the invitation. She informed me that the evites were sent out the day before and she�s sure that I got one. I checked all my email addresses and sure enough, there was no evite awaiting me. I laugh and tell Nande that I think I�ve been uninvited.
I send B this email: �So, am I no longer invited to your birthday party?� Send. The rest of Wednesday goes by. Thursday goes by. Friday goes by. And he never responded.
What a prick. After that, I�m just like forget him. So because I didn�t want to drop my panties for him, he doesn�t want to be my friend anymore? Fuck that shit. I don�t need to deal with that shit. It�s bullshit!
And you know what�s funny? This past Thursday, he IMed me. It went something like this:
B: Hey
Me: Hi.
B: How are you?
Me: Good.
B: Cool, Cool.
Me: Sign Off
No mention about the party or my email. And I wasn�t gonna ask. Part of me just couldn�t even believe he had the nerve. Some people.
On that note, congrats to you if you managed to read through all this depressing shit on this, the holiest of nights. :-D I�d also like to wish my 5 or so readers out there a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, or whatever it is you celebrate. Hope it�s better than mine.
summerroll at 10:42 p.m.