Saturday, Sept. 24, 2005
Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping
I left work early yesterday to go to Happy Hour.
I was there by myself for about an hour, so I drank and drank and drank. 3 beers. By the time my friends got there, who were late, I didn't want anymore and I was tired.
I didn't help that I was stuck in meetings all day and didn't get a chance to eat anything. By beer 4, I was definitely tipsy. I hung out for the rest of the time just talking and catching up and then around 8:30 decided to leave.
I really wanted to leave because I wanted to see Gus. Not that I've heard from him in the past two weeks. I called him a week ago and he never returned my call. So I decided that I wouldn't call him back again. I would wait for him to follow through with his turn. But all that goes out the window when I'm on a beer buzz and remember that I haven't been kissed since June or had sex since May.
So I called. I called and got the voicemail. I left a really dumb message.
Then I had a mini breakdown because I feel like he's just not interested anymore. And I try and I just don't get through.
But I don't want to get ahead of myself because this has happened before. We both get so busy or so occupied with other things that we basically lose touch for a couple months and then when we see each other again, it's as if nothing has changed. Hopefully, the same will happen this time.
However, last night, I was just hurt and pissed off and I did something stupid. Well, it wasn't really stupid I just shouldn't have done it.
I called Zane .
I don't know what I was doing. I think I just wanted to talk to someone. What I wanted to do was talk to Gus, but he's being a stupid boy right now. So I called Zane.
I haven't spoken to him since February, I think. And the last time I saw him was 4th of July. We just said hi to each other and that was it.
But I called him. And he was suprised. And we talked. We had a really good 40 minute conversation. We never even had good conversations when we were "dating" which is part of the reason I knew it wouldn't work with us. It was nice.
Will I call him again? Who knows. What I do know is that I don't want to be with him, date him, have sex with him. I'm over that. But he asked if we could hang out sometime, get a drink or dinner, and I told him that was OK with me.
I don't know if that was bad or not.
summerroll at 7:15 a.m.